The Gang Loses Its Soul

I remember a time when I thought the characters on Seinfeld were terrible people. They were shallow, self serving, and they didn’t care who they pushed around as long as they made themselves more comfortable. Elaine worked the occasional charity ball, and Jerry did standup, but otherwise what did they contribute to society?  And they had discussions that went on for days about how to deceive the women they were dating.

Here are some of the terrible things the Seinfeld characters have done:

  • pretended to be handicapped to get special treatment at work
  • got a neighbor deported and blamed the mailman
  • hijacked a fire truck on its way to a burning building
  • mugged an old woman for her loaf of bread
  • hired a hit man to kill a dog
  • made out during Schindler’s List
  • broke up with a guy because he broke his face falling off a cliff
  • broke up with a girl in order to continue talking from your belly button
  • broke up with a girl because she ate her peas one at a time
  • broke up with a girl because she once dated Newman
  • was relieved when fiance died from licking cheap envelope glue because he wanted to end the relationship anyway

Sure, these are all far from admirable characteristics, but now they don’t seem quite so bad. Why? Because I started watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Forget about breaking up with someone for an idiotic reason, these characters have:

  • father and daughter married each other to get their hands on inheritance money
  • set buildings on fire after throwing kittens and their friend inside…multiple times
  • painted a white baby brown to get it on tv after finding the baby in a dumpster
  • had multiple long conversations about whether or not they are racist
  • appeared in black face more than once
  • singlehandedly turned a contended priest into a homeless alcoholic
  • friend exhibits unusual behavior, others casually assume he’s a serial killer
  • pooped in the bed for days because “poop is funny”
  • kidnapped Hispanic family, held them hostage, then burned down their house…because they wanted to imitate the extreme home makeover show
  • kidnapped a critic from the paper and held him hostage, not letting him urinate, then kidnapped his neighbor, and a diabetic cat, because he wrote a bad review of their bar
  • wrote and performed a musical about raping a young boy

  • sabotaged the engagement of a recovering alcoholic who was finally catching a break, only to discover that her fiance had only gotten engaged to seek revenge for a high school grudge
  • fell in love with a soldier in Afghanistan only to leave him when they meet in person because he’s in a wheelchair
  • the episode called Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom
  • the episode called Mac’s Banging the Waitress
  • the episode called Sweet Dee’s Dating a Retarded Person
  • they waterboarded someone in a urinal
  • man got stuck in a piece of playground equipment without knowing how he got there
  • friends used the man’s predicament to blackmail him instead of helping him get out
  • Day Man, Fighter of the Night Man (no, I’m kidding, this is fantastic)
  • hurled beer bottle at passing cyclist for no reason causing him to run into a car
  • the D.E.N.N.I.S. system of luring women and brainwashing them into sleeping with him (it failed miserably)
  • they make one guy in the bar kill all the rats and it ends up doing serious psychological damage
  • lost a cat in the wall, the others help by smashing a hole in her wall and throwing more cats into it…to attract the original cat
  • Facebook stalked a stranger who shushed them in a bar
  • solicited homeless ex-priest for drug dealer contacts
  • attended a group therapy session together because they cannot agree on who will do the dishes
  • brought the dirty dishes to the session
  • deeply traumatized the therapist in the end
  • started smoking crack to fail a drug test so they could qualify for welfare because they didn’t want to work anymore
  • tried to buy and sell drugs to pay for repairs to their bar, somehow ended up involved with the mob in the process
  • sacrificed homeless ex-priest to the mob to pay off the drug money
  • tricked into eating raccoon meat
  • told the raccoon meat was man meat, so they thought they had a taste for man, went and bought a monkey and ate it
  • wore a t-shirt that said “What are you looking at, dicknose?”
  • dressed up as policemen and made pedestrians give them cash from their wallets
  • their deputy was a cat named Agent Bauer
  • tried to sell a clothing line with a sketchbook of naked women with large breasts
  • tried to solve economic gas crisis with business plan involving women with large breasts
  • auditioned women to be on the bar’s new billboard and told the A cups to “please head for the back door”
  • re: gas crisis – siphoned gasoline into six 30-gallon tubs and selling it on the side of the road
  • advertised by blowing fireballs out of their mouths until one set the other’s head on fire
  • convinced one member of the group that her dream of becoming a successful stand up comedian had come true, but it was an elaborate ruse that ended with a large crowd of people pointing at her and yelling “the joke’s on you!”

And then in the second season…

Ok, no, that list covered all seasons, but it is just the tip of a terrible, terrible iceberg. I just had to stop writing it because even though they are fictional characters, I was starting to lose faith in humanity. As far as upwardly mobile white people go, the gang from Sunny takes the Most Dreadful Life Choices award.

So I guess I owe the Seinfeld characters an apology. With time, you have proven yourself as model citizens.

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About Allison Anarchy

I write because I have to
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