Yesterday I confessed to being a Craigslist fraud in the name of fun, and I posted the following fake personal ad in a few cities across the country:
I Had a Dream About YouIn the dream we bumped into each other in McDonalds – I spilled ketchup on my shirt and you spilled your orange soda on a cash register and it caught on fire. It was just like in the movies! We laughed and ate lunch together. Then we went back to your house and made love, and I got pregnant with your baby. I raised the baby by myself because you were in jail.
Then I saw you in real life. It was at Burger King, not McDonalds, but it was definitely you. The first part of my dream was so happy that I decided to go over and bump into you to see if I could make it come true. I opened my ketchup packet and walked straight into you. I laughed at the ketchup I spilled on your shirt. You did not laugh. You started yelling about ruining an expensive shirt, you called me some names I can’t repeat, and then you punched me. A cop that was there eating lunch came over and put you in handcuffs and walked you to his car.
So…in a way my dream did come true, it just happened out of order. So that’s why I’m on here asking you to write me back. Maybe we will meet and fall in love and make a baby. You just got the jail part out of the way first.
Surprisingly, I got a a lot of interesting responses. Well, some interesting, some disgusting, a few hilarious, and some just flat out racist. I decided to engage humanity and write these responders back, for better or worse, just to see what would happen. The best responses follow, with original spelling/grammar/gratuitous capitalization. (I left out all of the offers to help me make a baby because they just got repetitive):
AP: so lets get this right… you got a guy arrested after you ruined his shirt, but the funny part is that this guy punched you in the face and yet you want to hook up and have a baby.
are you really this mental chick?
Laney: What can I say? The fictional heart wants what the fictional heart wants.
AP: Cryptic much… It’s hard to tell what you mean*
*(I didn’t think so)
it would make sense that this would be her. just with 13 words that you wrote me, I’m guessing it is you…but who knows.
Laney: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
J: Im not in jail…but we can go to lunch at burger king?
Laney (this is when I was still unwilling to believe that someone would seriously ask a stranger out on Craigslist): Yes. Only the finest for me and my delicate sensibilities.
J: 😛 it doesn’t have to be burger king…i found your post to be very well written and pretty funny…this tells me you are clever with a sense of humor and therefore interesting… So…are you looking to meet someone who is also clever, funny and interesting? I should warn you now though, you probably won’t see me get arrested for punching you, regardless of what you spill on my shirt…
Laney (reconsidering earlier belief): Thank you for the compliment, unless you just said that you intend to punch me without legal consequences. I am happily married, and he has never been to jail. I’m glad you enjoyed my story.
*(so is it “awesome” that I just shot him down, or is it “awesome” that he is asking out a married lady? I’ve decided that I don’t care)
B: I don’t mean to put the fear of God in you but you sound like you have the potential to be really freaky…. lol
Laney: Thank you…I think
B: Lol You’re quite welcome! With that imagination maybe you outta move to L.A. and write action pack scripts!
Laney: Sounds like a sweet gig! Let me know if you figure out how I can get my foot in the door!
B: Lemme hit da lotto and ill hook you up 🙂 And da best part …. No strings attached!! So keep posting ! I’ve had 4 dreams I’ve won da lotto!! But listen … Don’t get to kinky in da meantime…lol…Be good
Laney (now I have a Hollywood IN!): When you do win the lotto in real life, buy something awesome and think of me. That’s all I need.
B: First thing I’m gonna do is buy my a Bentley and every time I start it i’am gonna think about you!
I promise !!!
Now if you want me to name it after you then maybe sooner than later you’ll feel comfortable to tell me your name! But if you’re fine with me just remembering you every time I start the car then I’m fine with that too!! Cuz As you know around here one can never be too careful!! Shoots for all you know I could be a cereal killer….. lol
And do me a huge favor ….. Don’t you dare ever let your imagination go to waste!
You’ll be surprise how much pleasure you can get from taking lil trips with it!!
I love it!!*
*(…a CEREAL KILLER! goddam I like this human)
AM: Or is real life that you don’t like me and want to punch me?
Laney: I’m not too proud to throw a punch when it’s needed.*
*(seriously, I don’t know where this guy is coming from)
AM: ?? So you punched me and went to jail? Do we ever have lunch and make love or?*
*(apparently he doesn’t either)
Laney: Honestly I’m not sure anymore which plane of existence we are talking about, but I think the answer is no.
AM: Your probably right, your way is the only way we go and i do just make of things. Sorry about your shirt. And sorry about respect the feelings of someone who doesn’t respect mine. (Not you) Maybe we’ll be right in that other life or some distant time. I let you be if it’s what YOU need. I’m tired of being a bother and having fluctuated emotions as the emails load. Your feelings are great, the translation in to actions is confusing for me, and obviously for you to. I try to be clear but it always comes back to a runaround. I loved you. Someone will love you better than i can if it’s what you need. Someone will know exactly what to so without you saying, and there will be nothing scary in them to prevent them from getting to you. Okay.
Laney: Here is the truth: you didn’t love me because this ad is fake. I made it up to add some humor to people’s days. I hope you can take the humor and let it brighten your day without reading too much into it.*
*(Ceasing communication CEASING COMMUNICATION)(He wrote me again later to tell me that I’m not funny)
F: You’re an IDIOT. I don’t think woman deserves to be hit. Well except YOU anyway. You’re a serious jackass. Lol
Laney: I call double standard! Your argument has lost its credibility.*
*(the “lol” throws me off here)(GAAAH, I should have said, “I’m a jackass but I’m not that serious!” That one would have killed)
A: Omg this is the best one yet*
K: That’s a heartwarming story…That you totally made up. Burger King? Gross 8^) maybe we can make the other parts of your dream come true… Minus the jail part, I don’t want to go to jail.
Laney: WHAT? Burger King is the second best place to meet people! The first, of course, being Craigslist.*
*(I took a risk with the sarcasm here)
K: Are you being facetious?
Laney: A little.
K: Okay because that was kinda funny. Good work 🙂
BS (real initials): You dont need a sexual fantasy with a guy at mc donalds you need a well endowed massage therapist looking for a sugar baby and a travel partner to vegas for a change of pace?My name is BS and i am responding to your craigslist listing. I am 35, 6’4, 210 with very little body fat and a firm stomach, blond blues. I have attached some pics for your curiosity. I feel I am at the point right now where i dont want anything serious, but that doesnt mean i can take a fwb relationship with respect and class.
Advantages to me over the thousands of other emails you get
1) Willing to take you on trips and i can afford to do so.
2) I have studied and i have trained in massage and tantra.
3) i am self employed so i am flexible and easy to reach.
4) Sex with me can be very adventurous and passionate
5) i am very oral and i love putting a womans pleasure first.
6) I take care of myself and my body
7) Educated, intelligent, loves to laugh, and pamper women 🙂
If you like what you hear, and would like to know more about me, maybe we can get some coffee for an introductory meeting. Email me back with a pic of yourself and if its ok to text you then send your number as well.
Laney: That is quite an offer. Tell me, though, why would you want someone who is willing to get punched and send strangers to jail for a sugar baby?
BS: Cause i bet your hot as fuck, a great person, and really i can garuntee you dont want a baby, and i respect a woman that knows that hitting a woman is never ok 🙂 can i see a picture?*
*(the smiley face makes me believe he really is against domestic violence)
Laney: I don’t think I’m ready for that level of commitment. I’m also diabetic, so I would probably make a really shitty sugar baby.
BS: No commitment just trips to vegas and the best sex you ever had, show me a pic…..maybe your just a story teller that likes to write on craigslist? thats ok also*
*(doesn’t get my jokes…that would be a really boring Vegas trip)
Laney: I do fancy myself a storyteller. And yeah, sending you a picture of myself is a commitment. I’d be committing to encouraging predatory behavior, and that’s really not my thing.*
MH: you really want to meet up with a guy that cussed you out and then PUNCHED YOU!!!! get some help, quit settling for whatever will take you and beat you up. really!!! girls like you make me ill.
Laney: Point taken. I probably really clash with the quality gems you usually find while trolling Craigslist. Thanks for the advice.
MH: YOU’RE WELCOME DUMBASS. Get a life, you cunt.*
*(I was so naive to think that no one takes Craigslist ads seriously)(I hope he gets some help working out those anger issues)
*(I think this one made me laugh so much because it reminded me of Stefon on SNL saying, “New York’s hottest club is’…Kevin?…'”) (also I think I want to meet Traci)
B: I definitely think you’re on the right track in your life. Now get out there and get pregnant with that convict’s baby!
Laney: Thank you for having a sense of humor!
B: Lol…you’re welcome. I sometimes post humorous missed connections too…
Laney: That is fantastic! We are like the Banksy of Missed Connections. Keep up the good work
B: You keep up the good work too, Banksy. Here are links to my last two posts…
Laney: Nice! Did you get any responses?
B: Yes, quite a few. You getting many?
Laney: A ton! And they’re all over the place. Mostly hateful or racist for some reason.
B: For some reason? The reason is because we’re dealing with CL, which is often the lowest common denominator for humanity.
*(I’m not alone! Other people out there have a twisted sense of humor and dangerous amounts of time on their hands!)
M: HEy baby,
Look, I neva ment to hurt you gurl. I knew from da start that yuu waws treble. But bayby girl, let me tell YOU> YOU foreva in the heart girl. Even though I gone now, don’t ain’t never gonna mean I can’t have that baby. I’m gonna give you a baby girl. GONNA RASE it myysel girl. Right here, in the shit! WHAT. Yeah, you wan’t it, you got it. BUT IF YOU E%$VA com at a MAN”$$$$$ shirt l;ke that again. YOU GONNNA GIT GOT. Plain and simple. LUB U MAMMA. GET IT. GONE>======&
Laney: Holy shit this might be my favorite response I’ve ever gotten.*
*(this once I will overlook, but not forgive, the mangled grammar – after all, he lubs me and he’s going to rase my baby)
AK: if you have a baby girl named her Wendy’s or Wendy if you got a boy you can call him carl Jr or jack as in jack I n the box lol*
*(I left that one alone, but I respect him for playing along)(and who wouldn’t want a daughter named “Wendy’s?”)
MD: Wow!! I see things in dreams too…I would have done the same thing! 🙂
Laney: You gotta follow your dreams!
MD: I know!! I had one last night to read some lyrics. Now that I’ve read them I’m not sure what to do.*
lol sound sfunny to me……How old are you?
what about my story…….I dreamed You were in McD…sitting in the back booth eating a burger. I walked in ordered and came back to find a place to sit. As I approached you spread your leg and I could see you had on panties on under your short skirt….you smiled at me and said sit down. i ddid….after I got my burger you began to slide your foot up my leg. I raised my leg to your lap and you took off my shoe and put my foot between your leg. As you and I ate our burgers my toes massaged against you and I could see your bare nipples under your shirt as they stood up. As we left you askedme for a ride…..I said sure and we got in the car. And then you…………?
Laney: I am old enough to be happily married. Thanks for playing though
MD: You’re welcome! I’m happily married too, I was just following my instinct to meet another enlightened person. Not very many of those in my life! Take care :)*
*(I know it’s a compliment, but it’s also so gross)
C: I’m looking for relationship, friends with benefit or fuck body
Laney: Even if the grammar was correct, I’m afraid you will find none of those things here.
C: Thank you for tell me the grammar was OK, Even I’m not from this country; I will like to get to know you and see you
Laney: Sorry, I am not interested, I just enjoy writing fake personal ads using good grammar and spelling.*
*(unfair cheap shot, I know – why should I blame him for not writing English well when native English speakers can’t write it well either?)(maybe I should write him back and teach him how to say “fuck buddy”)
CG: I think your warm.
You should read: Disjointed Ramblings of an Overpaid Courtesan by the amazing author Happy Finch!
It’s a really mind numbing piece of non-literature that is a must read for those on the fence regarding self mutilation and/or suicide! It will (hopefully) push you over the edge!
Laney: Well, that seemed unnecessary, but thanks for reading!*
*(no such publication exists)(stay classy, humanity!)(and wait, he thinks I’m warm?!)
G: Who is this for
Laney: You. Duh.
G: How so. This doesn’t seem like me. Who is this?
(20 minutes later)
G: seriously this cannot be me right I have never been to jail and I am not a violent person
Laney: You’re a pretty serious guy, aren’t you
G: depends on the day of the situation but yeah so now I’m just going to assume that you were messing with me.sorry for responding*
*(I don’t…why did you even…how is…?)
I wrote that last guy and told him that he deserved better than to look for love on Craigslist, where they’ll let any asshole post things. He wrote back telling me he was actually looking on Craigslist for his estranged family. I wished him the best, but I still don’t understand why he responded to my post. It always confuses me when people are constitutionally unwilling to comprehend jokes.
This was an interesting social experiment (which is what I’m calling it so I don’t have to admit that I spent an entire day on this instead of doing laundry/sleeping off my stomach virus). I was floored by the sheer number of responses I got. I’ve been posting fake ads for years, and have gotten maybe a grand total of three responses. To this post alone I got over 70.
I have the following things to report about humanity:
- A lot of people take Craigslist very seriously. Seriously enough to reply to some insane lady who wants a man that she made up in a dream who punched her.
- About one in fifty people know the difference between your and you’re.
- The majority of American humans now view the letters “lol” as an effective form of communication.
- There will always be racists (I didn’t post any of the racist responses because none of them deserve any attention).
- Sometimes people need to project some self-loathing onto other people, especially when there’s an anonymous computer screen to hide behind. Haters gonna hate, trolls gonna troll.
- For a lot of people, anonymous public forums equal human contact. Sometimes I try to tell them they deserve better, or something like that, because maybe no one has told them that before. It only seems to confuse them.
- I confused a lot of people by doing something they didn’t understand. “You posted a fake ad? You must need friends/You are seriously twisted/Get a life, loser/Can I send you a picture of my genitals?” I confused them, but they still responded in droves.
- Lonely people are willing to interpret anything (literally anything) as an invitation. When I post fake ads as a male seeking a female or male seeking male, I do not get these kinds of responses.
- Sometimes, saying something unexpectedly funny will bring out humor and creativity in someone else. The ones who wrote me to tell me I gave them a laugh, or played along with my joke were my favorites.
- I respect people who respect boundaries, even if they say disgusting things.
- No one seemed to realize that they were not required to reply to my ad.
My goal is to register some humor and levity in the swamp of humanity. It’s good to know that I caught some folks’ eyes and brightened their day a little. Those whose days I did not brighten actually ended up brightening mine. Most importantly, though, I entertained myself.
My message to anyone who is holding out hope for somehow meeting your soul mate on Craigslist: aim higher. Walk up to other humans and say nice things out loud; it’s so much better that way. That being said, thank you all for your anonymous digital responses. They truly made my day.