Dear Hiring Manager,
I was excited to see your ad on [Job Database], and I am very interested in the available position of [Vacant Job Title].
I have an extensive employment history during which I gained many valuable skills that would make me an asset to [Cleverly Hyphenated Company Name]. For example, when I worked as a receptionist for [Previous Company], I honed my customer service skills with my excellent communication technique, professional phone demeanor, and my affinity for shit-eating and ass kissing. Along those lines, I have high personal standards and an insatiable need to please, thanks to a childhood full of unmet expectations and a lack of adequate affection.
I would also bring to the table an outward respect for, yet subtle defiance of authority figures. Despite my insatiable need to please, telling me, “Your job is to please me, and I don’t care how you feel about what I tell you,” will cause me to tell you to go fuck yourself. However, I will handle this with a professional level of tact and appreciation for job security. I will likely just smile and nod, then blog about you under an assumed name. Perhaps I would hoard your pens, post-its, coffee creamer, and mouse pads, collecting them one by one until Accounting notices the increased cost of office supplies and sends out a memo. I will then audibly snort at that memo and delete it from my inbox.
In addition to these excellent, and in no way passive aggressive communication skills, I have a solid background in attention to detail while prioritizing my multitasking energies in a high volume, fast paced environment. I became proficient in this area after multiple shifts being responsible for ten critically ill patients by myself in the middle of the night. Nothing scares me anymore. Seriously, try me. Animal owners are also some of the looniest motherfuckers on the planet, and I have been successfully managing their various levels of crazy for the past ten years.
Have I mentioned that I have four animals of my own, and I can communicate with each of them using only eye contact? I am crazier than any client I have ever encountered (with the exception of the man who wore oven mitts everywhere he went and once threw a chair at me because I asked about his dog’s current medications). This is an example of a team player who willing to take responsibility for themselves: someone you want on your team. I am responsible and honest to a fault, the fault line usually lying in the area of over-sharing political views or potentially alienating health condition details.
I am confident that my skills and my solid work ethic (seriously, I will work so hard for you that I might forget to brush my teeth for a few months, or I won’t have enough energy left to remember what Christmas is) would be an asset to [Cleverly Hyphenated Company Name]. I very much to look forward to hearing from you and setting up an interview.