I can be honest with you guys, right? You seem like a fairly forgiving bunch. I mean I’m still getting a bunch of blog hits today despite my getting carried away with cats in drawers, so I will respect you enough to tell you the truth: this whole vegan thing is in the shitter. It’s day ten and I have yet to make it through an entire day of either eating vegan or giving up root beer. Save your energy, I’ve already filed a report with the Vegan Police.
Five years ago I would see this as a big enough failure to warrant giving up completely, and I’d probably throw some self abuse in there for good measure too: You never stick with anything. Why did you think you could pull this off when you can’t even…AAAAH, no! I don’t even want to write those things out anymore! No one is allowed to talk to me like that anymore, not even the sad bastard messages in my head. My point is that I am learning from this instead of beating myself up about it.
Maybe this isn’t the best time in my life to be making such a dramatic change. I’ve started taking the medication Abilify, which will always sound like a word that George W. Bush made up (We are gunna abilify these troops to democratize Iraq…), and the Abilify (snicker) is making me gain weight very rapidly. I am hungry almost all of the time, and I can put away much more than my share of dinner: dinner being breakfast, 2nd breakfast, lunch, dinner, and second through fifth dinner. (It might not be quite that extreme, but it feels like it is.)
I’ve been through a bit of a traumatic event recently, I’ve gotten a complete depression/anxiety medication overhaul, my marriage was on the rocks for many months, I’ve been in so much therapy that I wouldn’t be surprised if my therapists have therapists now, my diabetes is not well controlled because of the sudden weight gain (and probably the root beer, as long as we’re being honest), and I wanted to change my entire food lifestyle on top of that. I have to say, I’m not surprised that it didn’t work perfectly right away.
So I’m going to amend my resolution. I’m going to eat vegan for one meal a day this month instead of exclusively. That’s a more realistic goal for me right now. Incidentally, I have found and invented some really great vegan recipes that I’d be happy to share if you’re interested. I’m going to give up the root beer too, and start running again. Both of those are one-hour-at-a-time battles, though; all I can do is keep going forward.
So this afternoon, as I shoved Taco Bell nachos and tried really hard to justify the cheat in diet plan (I failed, but still ate it all) (Taco Bell is all vegan anyway), I had this realization: I am going to be okay. I made a goal that I didn’t meet, but I can amend that goal. I am gaining weight, but I am not devastated by that because I am getting to be a little more functional every day (sometimes every other day in a “one step forward, two steps backwards” kind of way). I wasn’t able to make all the changes I wanted to make right away, but I still have time to work on them. I will get my ass out into the cold and run, and I will fight the root beer’s deadly grip on my soul.
So take THAT, depression.
By the way, remind me I said all of this tomorrow, ok? I will likely pretend I never made such promises to go outside and run in this weather.